I guess it's time

It has been a year and plus since the last post I wrote. I have been contemplating on the post I should write about past this few months..and finally I'm writing one and YES it's still gonna be about you..

Source: Pinterest

The Best Of Me..

I remember thinking about forever
Sitting there with you by the river
We danced in the headlights
And Fell for the first time

I remember telling you I Loved you
The nothern star rising above you
And in that moment I thought every dream would come true
But some just never do

Love comes in circles
And love takes its own time
Bending and breaking
Not taking a straight line
I never knew another love timeless and true
But I did, I did it with you..

Through the years I just kept on believing
Had to be a plan or a reason
But Heaven was silent and life just kept moving along
Till my heart knew the moment was gone

Love is the reason why
Miracles never die
They just live on and on
Like a song,
In the hearts of the ones you leave behind

Lyrics: I did with you; Lady Antebellum



It's gonna be 4 years plus since things went down the drain. I guess its the best for the both of us. I no longer miss you nor have that tingly or butterfly in the stomach kinda feeling anymore for everytime I see your pictures..Guess I have moved on. I do..I do think about you now and then but not in a loving way..more to a friend-stranger way..aermm I don't really know how to put it in words..but yeah. I accepted the fate that you know things are not meant to be..

Life is good now.Graduated .Currently working in a field that I could contribute to society. Seeing my patients happy, making them pregnant ( not in that way of cz), before anymore weird thoughts, I'm working as a Jr. Embryologist in a fertility clinic (IVF), in layman term I make babies :)) Cool uh.. :D So for now Patients Happiness becomes My Happiness, it kinda gives me the real happiness which I've never felt anywhere.. So there it  goes my shortest update of 2014-2015 :))

I'm Happy This way.. :) Thanking god for giving me this pathway cause I'm not sure if I would be in peace if I was still with you..I found peace in this four years..

I guess that's all for now. I won't make any fake promises that I'll be back with new post asap..but I will try my best to write more.

-The best way out is always through-

-Kausy-

-25.1.15; 2.20 am-

Cause my heart breaks a little everytime when I hear your name

Hey-yai people, it's been so long since updated my blog..it's been like what more than 6 months plus I think.. Well it has been 1/2 year and I would just say one thing I was and I am still freaking busy with my final year project. I just can't wait for it to end. Pass this 7 months, things weren't really great for me..so much troubles am going through with my project and I just hope I would get the result I wanted, the outcome I want to enjoy it. So am working really hard on it. Hopefully it will be a success :) Talking about it, I'm suppose to be in the mid of writing my thesis-chapter 2 ( Literature review) and seems like I have been procrastinating a lot since morning!!! but nyekkk I can do it cause am good at last minute work! LOL plus I still have time till Monday.

So talking about me on how my life is going on, its actually going on pretty well but just that you know at times when we are lonely or something like that, our mind tends to travel past and future all together..yea am in that phase now..

I know rejection hurts. Being forgotten hurts as well but above all being replaced hurts the most. They feed you crap about how you are so perfect to them and how they'll never meet anyone like you again in their life and how happy you make them and then poof, suddenly one day they decide that this isn't what they want anymore, and as quick as they came into your life, they are gone just like that. There you are on your own, you have to find your life again where everything you do, everything you see reminds you of them, it hurts, it fucking hurts so much. They said heartbreak changes people, I don't know if it changed me or not. Too add in more they even said time is the healer of the broken heart but I think in my case its just making it worse :/

(source: Grey's Anatomy)

I still cannot believe whatever that's happening right now but I'm slowly accepting the fact. You said you hated me so much during our last conversation few weeks ago, you blamed me on so many things that I treated you so badly and that I did not appreciate you and so many more..Seriously if I had the courage, if I had the heart to say things back to you I would have. I would have made you cried as well, I would have hurt you twice as much as you hurt me and am capable of that but that's not me. I let you to play the blaming game, I kept quiet cause I know it's not the truth, you know it's not the truth, you know what type of person I am. Your ego, your stupidity, your selfishness all of it over-rights my love. You said you still care about me, still thinking about me than why the fck are you not taking a proper decision? Why are you choosing this path when you clearly know that's not the path you wanted since the beginning?  The game you are playing now, it sucks. I am not gonna be in the game as one of the player, not gonna sit and watch this sick stupid game of yours, don't try to make me part of this stupid game of yours. You can officially go to hell! Yeah you can.
You have no fkng rights to tell me that I should start to move on, fyi if you moved on that quickly doesn't mean I'm suppose to do so. No seriously I wonder how you could move on so fast, did I really meant that much only for you or was I just someone that you was with till you were bored or something? I don't know and I don't wish to know cause your love was not true cause even if it did, you would have at least waited for sometime before moving on, and you had the guts to tell me that I only find you after you and her happened. Now tell me if I didn't do so what kinda girlfriend was I?? You know there is so much of questions that I want to ask you, so much of things I want to tell you and I don't know when am gonna explode with this feeling in me but I guess maybe its not the time yet for me to speak to you about it or even maybe god just doesn't want me to speak to you at all. I prefer the latter one.I just hope I wont and will never see you again in my life ever, even if I did I wish that I'll have the courage to walk away with a stronger heart.

(source: Grey's Anatomy)

p/s: seems like today's post which is after 6 months I am still emo'ing about this mf love feelings! arrghhh for god sake give me a break please.. :/

-Kausy-

-The memories came rushing back like they never even left-

2013 New Beginning

credits to tumblr

hey hey people  HAPPY NEW YEAR :D yeapsie am back  and am gonna have a wonderful year this time ! yeah that's the positive spirit kausy! woohooo..okay I think I should calm myself now.. :P

Well I forget to mention about my results last semester, you know I've never been this happy seeing my result, it was good. Made myself happy and so do my parents and yea, You made to think actually on the last day of 2012, I , well its not only me but its actually we actually took a good decision. Thank you!! Finally am not into any commitments with you and hell yea I am relieved. No more hard feelings. Well lets stop talking about my past, I just wanna forget it.. BUT I really do hope that one day you will realize what you mean to me, how much you meant to me because I honestly don't think you have the slightest clue and by that time I would have been gone......

credits to tumblr

 Talking about New Year Resolution : I want a change, I want a big change that would totally bring out the new me.. so here I am throwing away my old self and wanting to start all over again with myself. I know I will and I know I can do it now with all my loved ones next to me. 

Talking about last semester,  I was working for the past 3 months, did my internship in Ipoh Specialist Hosp.Those people working there, they became part of my life actually. They were there for me during my hard times, well seriously can you believe he made me to cry like sh!t in office, made me to punch my office door (it hurts me physically) lol..nevertheless I really had fun working. Working in a hospital environment was one of my dream since I was a small kid, I know this might sound crazy but I just love to be in hospital environment, I feel like its my second home you know. It sounds creepy I know but hell with it, that's me :) So I learnt lots of stuffs there and I really wish that the dream of mine will come true one day (continuing my studies in medicine), Well lets just wait and see what fate has for me. 

#Random Stuff
So Yeah I was re-blogging stuffs in tumblr when I came across this piece of information or should I say something that everyone wants to know.. :D This thing really made me to think a lot and I have added something to my new year resolution this year, lets just see if I make it happen 

credits to tumblr

10 Reasons Running Doesn't Suck as Much as You Think

1. Most races and fun runs are full of hot bodies in very little clothing. Let me repeat that: HOT PEOPLE. WEARING PRACTICALLY NOTHING. Wear sunglasses, and ogle with reckless abandon.

2. You can lose weight by drinking nothing but hot water with lemon. Or you can run for an hour, treat yourself to a cookie and still fit into your skinny jeans. One of these options makes you bitchy; the other makes you rad.

3. Take your iPod with you, and your runs suddenly become a safe place to indulge your love of boy-band music. With enough practice, you can even blend in a couple dance moves from ‘Bye Bye Bye’. Don’t lie: You’ve still got that routine memorized.

4. When your boss, your melodramatic friend and your nagging to-do list won’t leave you alone, calmly put on your running shoes and head out the door. They won’t follow you. It’s a safer alternative to storming out with both middle fingers in the air (though you can -and should- still do this in your head, just for spectacular effect).

5. You’ll discover lululemon pants are good for more than just buying tampons and Cheez-its at Target (I know, ladies. My world was rocked with that discovery, too.).

6. Running is the last place you have to “be a lady.” Sweat, snot and sneaking behind a bush to pee is not only liberating it’s fun, in that giggly-childish-naughty kind of way.

7. Getting a run in before happy hour means you get tipsy on half a glass of wine instead of your usual two. That’s not being a lush, that’s just sound economic planning.

8. Studies have shown that runners have better sex. Sex counts as a cross-training workout, which in turn makes you a better runner, which – hello! – leads to even better sex. Really, the whole thing is full of win-wins.

9. Girls are lucky; there’s an entire industry committed to making us look awesome while getting our sweat on. Workout clothes come in all sorts of cool colors and designs. Jockstraps, on the other hand, will always be ugly with questionable stains.

10. Non-runners will sit on the couch and call you crazy. Those folks, sadly, will never learn what their bodies are capable of. You, on the other hand, will die knowing you completely, totally, unabashedly used up the body that was loaned to you. That’s not crazy. That’s freakin’ awesome

Source: prettywildhealthy

So now

.
credits to tumblr

Motivating piece isn't it :P hahahahahha

-Happy New Year  again people -

-New Year, new beginning-

-loving myself for this 

-kausy-

It happens for a reason I know, but this reason it hurts me a lot..

To those who had broken their heart, I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed and no happiness and whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry either because it will make you feel even worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end and no matter what this person has done you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. and everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do and the people who hurt you the most are the people you love the most. And then after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again but you know inside that you're going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary years. You thought you got over him, but really you just stopped showing it. It leaves a deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel and how deep you get hurt, no matter who they are because it hasn't happened to them and even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain until you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you break down, right there because you ,you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing and you're to the point where you don't care who see's because you've spent many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. and in the midst of all these tears, you know its not helping any and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself together and keep going. And this is the hardest part of all, moving on.. I am moving on, it takes time but definitely I am moving on

p/s : You know am acting like am fine but it kills me so much. You throw away my love for her. So here I realize that there's no point waiting for you nor loving you anymore. I threw away all the gifts, cards, dresses you got me, the notes that we wrote to each other , I threw them away. I deleted our album, those pictures we took together, I deleted it. I don't need those memories that is not going to give me anything else other than a heart break. You deserve to be happy and I hope your choice this time is the one for you. I wish and I am really wishing this that I never wanna see you again! EVER!!! 

-Instead of making me happy,

it's just messing up my life. 

So fuck love I don't need it in my life-

-Kausy-

Fruit pastry cake

Heyy people :)

how are you all. Hope everyone is fine. As I mentioned in my Facebook that I wanted to do some baking to free my mind, well I started it out today by baking fruit pastry cake :) I did some mistakes and that made my cake to break into half :( but then I learnt some lesson and I'll write out the mistakes and the solution :)

I guess I need to do more baking to get a perfect cut and a perfect cake..sigh.. but this is good enough for a starter isn't it ?

Without flash

Ingredients :

100g butter [ soften at room temperature]

200g caster sugar 

50g sour cream [ those who are staying in Ipoh, you guys can get it in Aeon Jusco station 18]

3 eggs lightly beaten at room temperature

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract [ I used rose extract for a change]

1 teaspoon of orange or lemon zest

1 teaspoon baking powder

210g plain flour

500g fruits- tossed with sugar. [ make sure you drain well the water..]

Methods:

1. Wash, cut ( chunks/slices) and drain the fruits. Toss the fruits with sugar and set aside.
2. Grease butter on sides of pan that you use. It can be square/sphere/ rectangular in shape and MAKE SURE YOU LINE THE pan with parchment paper. The mistake I did was, I did not use parchment paper and the cake got stucked with the pan and eventually broke into 2. :(
3. With electric mixer, mix the butter, sugar and sour cream till light and fluffy
4.  Place the eggs gradually and beat till incorporated with the batter
5. Add in vanilla extract or in my case I used rose extract and orange/lemon zest into the batter.
6. Sieve over the flour together with the baking powder and mix it still smooth. * careful don't over mix the batter.
7. Pour batter into the prepared pan and even it with spatula.
8. Arrange fruits as per your wish on top. Don't press the fruits into the batter. [ Fruits that you can use is : strawberry, blueberry, peaches, oranges,bananas, pineapple and many more]
9. Bake in a pre-heat oven at 180degcel for 60-70 minutes. In my case I think my oven is automatically set with above 180degcel so I just bake the cake for around 35-40 minutes.  
10. Leave the cake in pan for 5-10 minutes, cool it down and dust the cake with some icing sugar if you want

 Before going into oven :

After coming out from oven, I dust the cake with some icing sugar

P/s : if you see at top left of the cake is where the cake broke :(

with flash :)

So here I would like to say thank this blogger : http://happyhomebaking.blogspot.com/2010/04/fruit-pastry-cake.html . I took the recipe from here and it turn out well except for the breaking part of cause.

Mom asked me to bake again next week. So I plan to use more different fruits  :)
Happy trying, its a very very simple cake to do with. Trust me you'll enjoy baking. Do leave comment if you want to :)

-Kausy-

-Baking mood is on-

The end of semester..

hey people :)) am back after three months..!!

so a quick update about what I did for the past 3 months..I took 5 subjects this semester that is virology ( studies about viruses and bacterias) , Clinical Biochemistry ( so far the best and my most favourite  subject in my degree life. basically we study about the overall about humans diseases and the biochemical test and stuffss ), Microbiology ( studies about microbes of cause, a little bit about viruses and bacteria's, second most favourite subject especially during the practical time, you are given the chance to play with the microorganisms you know ), Neurobiology ( studies about human's brain and their associated diseases and some biochem related stuffs) and finally Interpersonal Communication ( no comment ) .So semester was going on all well till last month. Finals just ended two days ago..Did my best and leave the rest to god's hand. I just hope i'll get through this semester. I'll be doing my internship in Specialist Centre, Ipoh on the 1st of october for 3 months. Hope that i'll learn a lot during this internship :)

So yeah about the 'bad' part is that hmmmmm I've lost that person that I shouldn't have let go in the first place, but things happens don't they. Misunderstandings, arguments that has no solution at all and main culprit is the egoness. Seriously guys and their egoness really drives me crazy. Do they have PMS like us too?? well anyways a small note for that person, if you read this post I just want you to know this " What makes you think that you know whats best for me? Walking away from " this " is really not the best thing to do!! Fighting for this is!! " !! And you keep blaming yourself for all the things  that happened, okay not all but yes you did! and FYI those blaming part will never help you to solve any problems!! Unfortunately, you left. And if you think that I was the one whom left you , I left because you didn't ask me to stay , but I can't really tell if it's killing me or making me stronger. I was having finals and all you did is made me to take such a decision and in the end making up a situation where I am the one to be blamed. I did not want this, you asked for it and remember I told you, if you want it you have to face the consequences. Don't blame me if there's no more spark, you know what I meant. BUT I really do hope that one day you will realize what you mean to me, because I honestly don't think you have the slightest clue and by that time I would have been gone.....

I actually started to write this post on the 21st September 2012 around 8pm when I received a call, a call that made me to burst into tears, a call that made me to feel like the world is not fair at all.. a call that kills me from the inside...and I stop writing the post and today 26th September 2012 I continue writing and this is what happened..

Few days back, 21st September 2012, I lost someone dear to me, someone who were there for me all the time, someone whom doesn't fail to give me hope and strength, someone whom always believed that I can do and achieve my dreams.. Priya. All I ever wished you were still here and that is all I want, but I guess god loves you more, loves you more than anyone else. Rest in peace priya. If I want I can write a lot of things about you, but I don't want to do that. Let those memories being with you, be with me... I love you so much. You thought me the pain of losing a friend in my life and I don't wana feel and go through the pain again.. :'( Priya, you know your last post in your blog you mentioned about your anniversary with Austin on 14th July and you mentioned 23rd September indeed another day to be remembered? I never thought it would be the day you'll leave all of us dey..I miss you so much and I know you are happy there with all the angels up there in the heaven. One day we shall meet bitchu and I miss you calling me with that name..

P/s: I learnt a lesson, I am in the point of my life whereby I am going to see many of my loved one leaving me, many more heartbreaks to see and feel . Right now all I wish is to be a kid again because skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart :|

- Kausy-

- heartbreak is not something easy to handle-

- I miss her alot-

Communication

Mid of doing Microbiology lab report and I don't know how but I started to wonder whether relationship: well  not the parents and children kinda relationship but  the lovers kinda relationship will it last without communications. Will it?
Communication,its the first thing we really learn in our life. Funny things is once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking ,the harder it becomes to know what to say or how to ask for what we really need..
If you ask me, when it comes to tell what I want to say or ask for what I really want to someone is really difficult. I am like always make sure that I won't hurt his/her feelings when I say something or do something or even when I ask something but then I ended up getting hurt just because I tried not to hurt people's feelings. This is why most of the time I won't be saying what is in my mind and I usually try to say things that people always yearn for..
So literally that's how I am now..being without any sort of communications, I asked for it and I shall ride it :)
It seems tough initially, but I am learning on how to survive without it . There is so many thoughts running in my mind with the question WHAT IF...? Well than I realize decision have been taken and its for my own good because Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you make a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is were afraid, one thing holds true. That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it. .

-Kausy

-got to continue doing the report -.-