Cause my heart breaks a little everytime when I hear your name

Hey-yai people, it's been so long since updated my blog..it's been like what more than 6 months plus I think.. Well it has been 1/2 year and I would just say one thing I was and I am still freaking busy with my final year project. I just can't wait for it to end. Pass this 7 months, things weren't really great for me..so much troubles am going through with my project and I just hope I would get the result I wanted, the outcome I want to enjoy it. So am working really hard on it. Hopefully it will be a success :) Talking about it, I'm suppose to be in the mid of writing my thesis-chapter 2 ( Literature review) and seems like I have been procrastinating a lot since morning!!! but nyekkk I can do it cause am good at last minute work! LOL plus I still have time till Monday.

So talking about me on how my life is going on, its actually going on pretty well but just that you know at times when we are lonely or something like that, our mind tends to travel past and future all together..yea am in that phase now..

I know rejection hurts. Being forgotten hurts as well but above all being replaced hurts the most. They feed you crap about how you are so perfect to them and how they'll never meet anyone like you again in their life and how happy you make them and then poof, suddenly one day they decide that this isn't what they want anymore, and as quick as they came into your life, they are gone just like that. There you are on your own, you have to find your life again where everything you do, everything you see reminds you of them, it hurts, it fucking hurts so much. They said heartbreak changes people, I don't know if it changed me or not. Too add in more they even said time is the healer of the broken heart but I think in my case its just making it worse :/

(source: Grey's Anatomy)

I still cannot believe whatever that's happening right now but I'm slowly accepting the fact. You said you hated me so much during our last conversation few weeks ago, you blamed me on so many things that I treated you so badly and that I did not appreciate you and so many more..Seriously if I had the courage, if I had the heart to say things back to you I would have. I would have made you cried as well, I would have hurt you twice as much as you hurt me and am capable of that but that's not me. I let you to play the blaming game, I kept quiet cause I know it's not the truth, you know it's not the truth, you know what type of person I am. Your ego, your stupidity, your selfishness all of it over-rights my love. You said you still care about me, still thinking about me than why the fck are you not taking a proper decision? Why are you choosing this path when you clearly know that's not the path you wanted since the beginning?  The game you are playing now, it sucks. I am not gonna be in the game as one of the player, not gonna sit and watch this sick stupid game of yours, don't try to make me part of this stupid game of yours. You can officially go to hell! Yeah you can.
You have no fkng rights to tell me that I should start to move on, fyi if you moved on that quickly doesn't mean I'm suppose to do so. No seriously I wonder how you could move on so fast, did I really meant that much only for you or was I just someone that you was with till you were bored or something? I don't know and I don't wish to know cause your love was not true cause even if it did, you would have at least waited for sometime before moving on, and you had the guts to tell me that I only find you after you and her happened. Now tell me if I didn't do so what kinda girlfriend was I?? You know there is so much of questions that I want to ask you, so much of things I want to tell you and I don't know when am gonna explode with this feeling in me but I guess maybe its not the time yet for me to speak to you about it or even maybe god just doesn't want me to speak to you at all. I prefer the latter one.I just hope I wont and will never see you again in my life ever, even if I did I wish that I'll have the courage to walk away with a stronger heart.

(source: Grey's Anatomy)

p/s: seems like today's post which is after 6 months I am still emo'ing about this mf love feelings! arrghhh for god sake give me a break please.. :/

-Kausy-

-The memories came rushing back like they never even left-

It happens for a reason I know, but this reason it hurts me a lot..

To those who had broken their heart, I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed and no happiness and whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry either because it will make you feel even worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end and no matter what this person has done you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. and everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do and the people who hurt you the most are the people you love the most. And then after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again but you know inside that you're going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary years. You thought you got over him, but really you just stopped showing it. It leaves a deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel and how deep you get hurt, no matter who they are because it hasn't happened to them and even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain until you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you break down, right there because you ,you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing and you're to the point where you don't care who see's because you've spent many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. and in the midst of all these tears, you know its not helping any and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself together and keep going. And this is the hardest part of all, moving on.. I am moving on, it takes time but definitely I am moving on

p/s : You know am acting like am fine but it kills me so much. You throw away my love for her. So here I realize that there's no point waiting for you nor loving you anymore. I threw away all the gifts, cards, dresses you got me, the notes that we wrote to each other , I threw them away. I deleted our album, those pictures we took together, I deleted it. I don't need those memories that is not going to give me anything else other than a heart break. You deserve to be happy and I hope your choice this time is the one for you. I wish and I am really wishing this that I never wanna see you again! EVER!!! 

-Instead of making me happy,

it's just messing up my life. 

So fuck love I don't need it in my life-

-Kausy-

hola people ;)

p/s : todays post is all about me being emo + frustration

God its been so long since I've post something here. Blame it all too current semester! Short semester always a mess to everyone.
Well yea lots of things happened in this 7 weeks.
Semester starts with Deepavali Fever, this year Diwali not much fun tho. Felt like it was normal day.
Than was busy with studies. Oh yea and came to one point that I got terminated from UTAR cause I paid the Student bill 2weeks later than the due date. Went and met the Dean and ask him to verify the letters and bla bla shits than Paid RM100 for the reinstatement fees and additional RM20 for the 2weeks extra. FML. Than came to Registering next semester's subjects, out of 21cdt hours I only manage to register for 10cdt hours but than I manage to go and Speak to my adviser and most probably i'll be taking her subject too next sem. *excited*
Than yea I had exam attack this week. 3 freaking midterms in one week continuously together with presentations. I really struggled on managing my time between sleeping, studying and preparing for the presentations. Had 2 oncology mid terms and Toxicology midterm was yesterday. Bout toxico midterm, men I really regret not going to toilet before the exam!! Paper started at 2.35pm and I was all right answering the paper, when suddenly my bladder decided to betray me. I could not hold my pee for so long so i decided to go to toilet and since it was exam time so I have to ask permission from the lecturers. guess what the lecturer told me when I told her that I urgently need to use the washroom? She said nope you are not allowed to go to washroom now, You got to finish answering all your questions,hand in the paper than you may go.! Like as though I don't know that I could do that. I was shocked and I repeatedly telling her again Miss, I really cant hold it anymore I need to use the washroom and she said NO again! it was 3pm and another 35minutes to go for the exam to end! Seriously I really tried my best on holding my pee but I couldn't. Finally I decided to go, I left about 3questions carrying about 10-11marks [ I'm still upset bout it]. Seriously this is cruel!! ;( hate utar for this ! All things that I mentioned here is only 1/4 the things that happened past this 7 weeks.
Lots of things happened actually, I really wanna tell somebody,like really want to cry out loud but I guess I'd rather keep it to myself .

Something that I do always..

> So, yeah so now officially study break started. I got to do my best for my oncology and toxicology exam

-all the best to myself and my friends for their finals exams-

-Kausy-