It happens for a reason I know, but this reason it hurts me a lot..

To those who had broken their heart, I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed and no happiness and whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry either because it will make you feel even worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end and no matter what this person has done you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. and everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do and the people who hurt you the most are the people you love the most. And then after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again but you know inside that you're going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary years. You thought you got over him, but really you just stopped showing it. It leaves a deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel and how deep you get hurt, no matter who they are because it hasn't happened to them and even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain until you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you break down, right there because you ,you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing and you're to the point where you don't care who see's because you've spent many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. and in the midst of all these tears, you know its not helping any and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself together and keep going. And this is the hardest part of all, moving on.. I am moving on, it takes time but definitely I am moving on

p/s : You know am acting like am fine but it kills me so much. You throw away my love for her. So here I realize that there's no point waiting for you nor loving you anymore. I threw away all the gifts, cards, dresses you got me, the notes that we wrote to each other , I threw them away. I deleted our album, those pictures we took together, I deleted it. I don't need those memories that is not going to give me anything else other than a heart break. You deserve to be happy and I hope your choice this time is the one for you. I wish and I am really wishing this that I never wanna see you again! EVER!!! 

-Instead of making me happy,

it's just messing up my life. 

So fuck love I don't need it in my life-

-Kausy-

Fruit pastry cake

Heyy people :)

how are you all. Hope everyone is fine. As I mentioned in my Facebook that I wanted to do some baking to free my mind, well I started it out today by baking fruit pastry cake :) I did some mistakes and that made my cake to break into half :( but then I learnt some lesson and I'll write out the mistakes and the solution :)

I guess I need to do more baking to get a perfect cut and a perfect cake..sigh.. but this is good enough for a starter isn't it ?

Without flash

Ingredients :

100g butter [ soften at room temperature]

200g caster sugar 

50g sour cream [ those who are staying in Ipoh, you guys can get it in Aeon Jusco station 18]

3 eggs lightly beaten at room temperature

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract [ I used rose extract for a change]

1 teaspoon of orange or lemon zest

1 teaspoon baking powder

210g plain flour

500g fruits- tossed with sugar. [ make sure you drain well the water..]

Methods:

1. Wash, cut ( chunks/slices) and drain the fruits. Toss the fruits with sugar and set aside.
2. Grease butter on sides of pan that you use. It can be square/sphere/ rectangular in shape and MAKE SURE YOU LINE THE pan with parchment paper. The mistake I did was, I did not use parchment paper and the cake got stucked with the pan and eventually broke into 2. :(
3. With electric mixer, mix the butter, sugar and sour cream till light and fluffy
4.  Place the eggs gradually and beat till incorporated with the batter
5. Add in vanilla extract or in my case I used rose extract and orange/lemon zest into the batter.
6. Sieve over the flour together with the baking powder and mix it still smooth. * careful don't over mix the batter.
7. Pour batter into the prepared pan and even it with spatula.
8. Arrange fruits as per your wish on top. Don't press the fruits into the batter. [ Fruits that you can use is : strawberry, blueberry, peaches, oranges,bananas, pineapple and many more]
9. Bake in a pre-heat oven at 180degcel for 60-70 minutes. In my case I think my oven is automatically set with above 180degcel so I just bake the cake for around 35-40 minutes.  
10. Leave the cake in pan for 5-10 minutes, cool it down and dust the cake with some icing sugar if you want

 Before going into oven :

After coming out from oven, I dust the cake with some icing sugar

P/s : if you see at top left of the cake is where the cake broke :(

with flash :)

So here I would like to say thank this blogger : http://happyhomebaking.blogspot.com/2010/04/fruit-pastry-cake.html . I took the recipe from here and it turn out well except for the breaking part of cause.

Mom asked me to bake again next week. So I plan to use more different fruits  :)
Happy trying, its a very very simple cake to do with. Trust me you'll enjoy baking. Do leave comment if you want to :)

-Kausy-

-Baking mood is on-

The end of semester..

hey people :)) am back after three months..!!

so a quick update about what I did for the past 3 months..I took 5 subjects this semester that is virology ( studies about viruses and bacterias) , Clinical Biochemistry ( so far the best and my most favourite  subject in my degree life. basically we study about the overall about humans diseases and the biochemical test and stuffss ), Microbiology ( studies about microbes of cause, a little bit about viruses and bacteria's, second most favourite subject especially during the practical time, you are given the chance to play with the microorganisms you know ), Neurobiology ( studies about human's brain and their associated diseases and some biochem related stuffs) and finally Interpersonal Communication ( no comment ) .So semester was going on all well till last month. Finals just ended two days ago..Did my best and leave the rest to god's hand. I just hope i'll get through this semester. I'll be doing my internship in Specialist Centre, Ipoh on the 1st of october for 3 months. Hope that i'll learn a lot during this internship :)

So yeah about the 'bad' part is that hmmmmm I've lost that person that I shouldn't have let go in the first place, but things happens don't they. Misunderstandings, arguments that has no solution at all and main culprit is the egoness. Seriously guys and their egoness really drives me crazy. Do they have PMS like us too?? well anyways a small note for that person, if you read this post I just want you to know this " What makes you think that you know whats best for me? Walking away from " this " is really not the best thing to do!! Fighting for this is!! " !! And you keep blaming yourself for all the things  that happened, okay not all but yes you did! and FYI those blaming part will never help you to solve any problems!! Unfortunately, you left. And if you think that I was the one whom left you , I left because you didn't ask me to stay , but I can't really tell if it's killing me or making me stronger. I was having finals and all you did is made me to take such a decision and in the end making up a situation where I am the one to be blamed. I did not want this, you asked for it and remember I told you, if you want it you have to face the consequences. Don't blame me if there's no more spark, you know what I meant. BUT I really do hope that one day you will realize what you mean to me, because I honestly don't think you have the slightest clue and by that time I would have been gone.....

I actually started to write this post on the 21st September 2012 around 8pm when I received a call, a call that made me to burst into tears, a call that made me to feel like the world is not fair at all.. a call that kills me from the inside...and I stop writing the post and today 26th September 2012 I continue writing and this is what happened..

Few days back, 21st September 2012, I lost someone dear to me, someone who were there for me all the time, someone whom doesn't fail to give me hope and strength, someone whom always believed that I can do and achieve my dreams.. Priya. All I ever wished you were still here and that is all I want, but I guess god loves you more, loves you more than anyone else. Rest in peace priya. If I want I can write a lot of things about you, but I don't want to do that. Let those memories being with you, be with me... I love you so much. You thought me the pain of losing a friend in my life and I don't wana feel and go through the pain again.. :'( Priya, you know your last post in your blog you mentioned about your anniversary with Austin on 14th July and you mentioned 23rd September indeed another day to be remembered? I never thought it would be the day you'll leave all of us dey..I miss you so much and I know you are happy there with all the angels up there in the heaven. One day we shall meet bitchu and I miss you calling me with that name..

P/s: I learnt a lesson, I am in the point of my life whereby I am going to see many of my loved one leaving me, many more heartbreaks to see and feel . Right now all I wish is to be a kid again because skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart :|

- Kausy-

- heartbreak is not something easy to handle-

- I miss her alot-

Communication

Mid of doing Microbiology lab report and I don't know how but I started to wonder whether relationship: well  not the parents and children kinda relationship but  the lovers kinda relationship will it last without communications. Will it?
Communication,its the first thing we really learn in our life. Funny things is once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking ,the harder it becomes to know what to say or how to ask for what we really need..
If you ask me, when it comes to tell what I want to say or ask for what I really want to someone is really difficult. I am like always make sure that I won't hurt his/her feelings when I say something or do something or even when I ask something but then I ended up getting hurt just because I tried not to hurt people's feelings. This is why most of the time I won't be saying what is in my mind and I usually try to say things that people always yearn for..
So literally that's how I am now..being without any sort of communications, I asked for it and I shall ride it :)
It seems tough initially, but I am learning on how to survive without it . There is so many thoughts running in my mind with the question WHAT IF...? Well than I realize decision have been taken and its for my own good because Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you make a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is were afraid, one thing holds true. That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it. .

-Kausy

-got to continue doing the report -.-

"We're supposed to end up together, we're meant to be

I just love the way Lexie expressed her love to Mark :
Season 8 episode 22 :

I love you
ohh god..
oh my god that just came,
I do, I just love you and
I have been trying not to say it
I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not saying it and Jackson is a great guy, he is.
He is gorgeous and he is younger than you,
He isnt having any grandkids or babies with his lesbians BFF's and he is an Ivory and he likes me,you know he really likes me but its never gonna work out because I love you and I am so in love with you.You are in me.
It's like you're a disease.
It's like I have been infected by you Mark Sloan.
I just can't think about anything or anybody and I cant sleep,I can't breathe, I cant eat, and I love you, I love you all the time every minute of every day and I and I love you.. Oh god that feels so good to say that and I feel so much better, I love you Mark..

p/s: this is fun -writing down the dialogue from the movie clip. heeeeee

-Kausy

-Still thinking whether I should watch last episode of season8

if i do, its really gonna break my heart :(

Helooooooooooo to those who reads my blog :)

 GOOD NEWS :) I passed my last semester but with not very satisfying results.Well UTAR is full with surprises and Everyone knows that. #LOL

So yeah, am in Year3 semester 1 now and taking 5 subjects this semester ( Microbiology, Neurobiology, Virology, Clinical Biochemistry and IPC), freaking packed with classes every single day. Talking about time I think 24hrs is not enough!! It should be 48hours a day-this would be nice. Sadly its all early morning classes which makes me look like a zombie every freaking morning.. So far 2weeks had passed and nxt week is week 3 and I still have 3 lab reports to do..nope, I am not going to complaint as I LOVE TO DO REPORTS ( creating positive thinking) hahahaha.. Well anyways I think I won't be updating my blog much but Still I hope I'll update at least twice in this month :))

-Kausy

-weekends in IPOH  with parents  <3

I am not afraid of you anymore!

One of the best motivating piece that I follow :

"Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility,

around me is boundless opportunity. Strength is mental,

physical and spiritual"

-Kausy

-the war between me and finals came to an end today.

-2weeks of semester break

p/s: credit goes to addicted2success